


In the arms that I call home

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Inaccurate depiction of med school, M/M, No really it's both, Oikawa is a bundle of insecurities sewn together to seem fine, Pining, Rated T because Iwaizumi doesn't stop swearing tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-06-10 00:18:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6930325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa didn’t know when it started; when he began to feel like he wasn’t important. </p><p> </p><p>(In which Oikawa tries to suffer in silence because he doesn't know how to deal with the loneliness that comes along with not having Iwaizumi around all the time.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You are my sweetest downfall

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so deep in iwaoi hell i can't see the light anymore 
> 
> (also it's been a year since i've written anything wow)
> 
> this is for:  
> ash: my lighthouse who guides me through the good and dark times. i am nothing without you, believe that. 
> 
> perry: my safety net; home for the past (almost) 3 years is wherever you are.

Oikawa didn’t know when it started; when he began to feel like he wasn’t important. He’d felt that way for as long as he could remember. When he closed his eyes and thought back to his childhood, all he could remember was feeling like he was second. Oikawa continued walking to the gym where his university held volleyball training every Tuesday. He was lost in his thoughts; lost in the swirling spiral that was over-thinking. What-if thoughts freely being entertained as though it was normal to be mulling over memories this severely. He felt a familiar pain in his chest. It was a dull ache that intensified the more he thought about things. The more he thought, the tighter the ache was around his heart. 

A loud smack followed by sharp pain at the back of his neck drags Oikawa back to reality.

“Iwa-chan, _what the fuck_?” he cries out. Oikawa turns around and immediately feels two hands steadying him. 

“You sort of deserved that,” Iwaizumi says, smirk evident in his voice. The smirk slips off his face quickly when he sees Oikawa’s face. “Hey, is something bothering you?”

Oikawa’s eyes widen slightly before he smiles obnoxiously. He continues walking, now with Iwaizumi next to him. 

“Nothing.” _A lie._ “Nothing at all.” _Another lie._ “Iwa-chan, are you my mom?” he says teasingly in that lilting voice of his, trying to get Iwaizumi off the topic. He glances at the man beside him and is met with a piercing glare which lets him know he’s succeeded. They walk side by side in silence for a while.

“For the record, I saved you from walking into that oak tree,” Iwaizumi grumbles.

“Well, I’ll have you know that I would have been oak-kay.”

Iwaizumi stops dead in his tracks. “You did not just fucking make an oak pun,” he mutters.

“Fight me.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oikawa loves playing volleyball. He loves the adrenaline that courses through his blood when he’s about to set. He loves the burn he feels in his thighs when he jumps for a serve. He loves the sting on his palm when he spikes. Today is no different.

Oikawa breathes in deep; mind clear. He tosses the volleyball in the air, swiftly runs and jumps. There’s a smack of the volleyball against his palm as he hits it and it zips past Daichi. _No touch service ace._ His hand still throbs as he hears Daichi whistle lowly.

“It’s been a couple of years since we’ve been on different teams but I’m glad I don’t have to receive that during an official match anymore,” Daichi says while chuckling.

Oikawa smiles venomously before replying, “It’s not like you’ve ever been able to receive that, Daichi.” 

“Do you _really_ want me to remind you of the spring high playoffs?”

Oikawa gasps feigning shock, “Daichi, I can’t believe you would bring that up right now!” 

The two former captains stare at each other for a good two seconds before bursting into a fit of laughter. 

Things have changed since they’d graduated high school. After losing to Karasuno in the spring high playoffs, the Seijō third years devoted most of their time to choosing which university they wanted to attend. For Oikawa, it was a no-brainer; wherever Iwaizumi went was where he went. Luckily, Iwaizumi seemed to think the same judging by the way he'd asked Oikawa out.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_It was cold outside but Oikawa sprinted tirelessly to the volleyball court. He was worried; he'd never received a text so serious in his life._

_From: Iwa-chan_

_We need to talk. I'm outside the volleyball court._

 

 _Oikawa had excused himself from class and hadn't stopped running since then. He felt his heart beat wildly as though it was trying to escape the confines of his ribcage but he ignored it. He also tried ignoring the deep-seeded dread that was starting to form in the pit of his stomach but that was a harder task. He was- no,_ **_they_ ** _were graduating tomorrow and if that wasn't thought-consuming enough Iwaizumi fucking Hajime decided to send him the scariest text out of nowhere._

_His feet continued to hit the ground at a relentless pace as he turned corners, finally slowing down when he saw the culprit of this entire thing._

_"Iwa-chan," he wheezed out. "You- we- I- what?" he managed to cough out, panting heavily to cope with the wild beating of his heart._

_Iwaizumi turned to stare at him and held him in place with his gaze. Oikawa had never seen Iwaizumi look like this. He looked so cautious, so worried, so_ **_vulnerable._ ** _Iwaizumi awkwardly adjusted his scarf so that it didn't cover his mouth and Oikawa noticed the light pink colour dusted all over his cheeks. Iwaizumi was silent as he walked towards Oikawa. He stared at the road beneath his feet as he walked over as though he was mentally counting the steps it took before he got to be right in front of Oikawa._

_Iwaizumi dragged his gaze upwards from Oikawa's feet all the way till their eyes met. Oikawa shivered, not knowing whether it was because of the breeze or the sheer intensity of Iwaizumi's stare. Iwaizumi's lips parted, "Oikawa I-" and his lips froze in mid-speech. He closed his eyes, eyelids fluttering shut and Oikawa counted the seconds before Iwaizumi's eyes opened once again._

 

_1 second._

 

_A deep sigh rumbled from Iwaizumi._

 

_2 seconds._

 

_Iwaizumi's calloused fingers closed around his wrist._

 

_3 seconds._

 

_Iwaizumi's eyes open with renewed determination._

 

_"Oikawa, go out with me."_

_Oikawa forgot how to breathe for a moment before replying quickly, "Well we are_ **_outside,_ ** _Iwa-chan."_

_"For God's sake Tōru, you know what I mean."_

_"I don't know what you mean but I know that you are in fact, mean." He chuckles in spite of his thumping heart._

_"Oikawa Tōru," Iwaizumi grumbled. "I don't know what I did in my past life to deserve someone like yo-"_

_"You probably saved the world or something of the sort," Oikawa countered quickly._

_"More like I probably buried 10 cats alive," Iwaizumi retorted._

_"Like I said Iwa-chan is mean."_

_"Shut up," Iwaizumi said softly but the words had no venom. He looked into Oikawa's eyes again. "Tōru, will you go out with me?"_

_Oikawa doesn't respond. Instead, he looked down at his shoes. His eyes welled up before he could even beg his body to stop. The tears spill over onto his rosy cheeks as he looks up and grins at the man in front of him._

_"Did you think I'd say no?" he managed to whisper, finally breaking the silence._

_"Save the crying for graduation Shittykawa," Iwaizumi whispers back, gently wiping away the tears with his thumb._

_Realisation dawned upon him at that moment. "Hajime what if we don't go to the same-"_

_His fears are cut off by Iwaizumi's knowing smile. "I accepted Chuo because somehow I can't imagine going to university without seeing your shitty face every day."_

_"But mostly I'm just trying to atone for my sins that I committed in the lives before this and I figure having to see you on a daily basis will cover that," he adds._

_For that Iwaizumi received a punch to the side of his arm and a boyfriend in Tōru._

_\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

They’d both ended up in Chuo University with Oikawa studying law and Iwaizumi studying medicine. 

Freshman year was straight up the weirdest year of Oikawa’s life. He’d found out that 1) not every girl liked him (which was strange and also their loss) and that 2) literally everyone went to Chuo. And by everyone, he meant _everyone._ Daichi, Refreshing-kun, Kuroo, hell _even_ Bokuto. (On the flipside, Ushiwaka was in Todai which still meant that he could still utterly crush him.) Iwaizumi and Oikawa lived together. They had both rented a flat about a 5 minutes bike ride away from the main campus since the first year and now being in his third year, Oikawa appreciated the ability of being able to wake up 10 minutes before a lecture and still get there on time. 

Today was a rare day. Not that playing volleyball was rare - it just was that he could literally _count_ the number of times Iwaizumi and he had trained on Chuo’s volleyball court together. Iwaizumi’s schedule was crazy from the moment orientation week ended. This year, he had 8 am lectures every day with the exception of Thursdays and to top it off Iwaizumi had practicals every night which ended at 9 pm. 

Before university, Oikawa never had to worry about spending time with Iwaizumi. He knew as he went through life things would definitely change. He was fine with change; _he embraced change._ But there was one thing which had to remain constant: Hajime. What Oikawa failed to factor in before he went to university was that med school was a fucking pain and he was lucky if he even got to see his boyfriend for more than a couple of hours every week. Iwaizumi didn’t get days off but once a week he’d have one day which was comparatively less busy. 

In his first year Oikawa learned to love Sundays; he would lay in bed all morning listening to the slow, steady beating of Iwaizumi’s heart. Last year, he learned to love Fridays; he’d be ready at home with a bottle of sake, waiting for Iwaizumi to come back early and grumble about keratosis pilaris or something. This year, he’d learned to love Thursdays (because who needs Fridays) and he’d come to cherish the quiet time they spent together watching documentaries (aliens are **_very_** much alive and real.)

Oikawa sets the volleyball high and slightly away from the net and Iwaizumi perfectly spikes it across the court. As Iwaizumi lands, he thrusts his fists up in celebration. The sight of it curls the edges of Oikawa’s lips up.

“Nice kill, Iwa-chan,” he says cheerfully. 

“Nice toss,” Iwaizumi replies.

“I think I could have set it a little lower though.” 

Iwaizumi’s brows furrow at that suggestion and he holds his hand out in a high-five, “Anything you set me that I can spike is perfect.”

Oikawa smiles knowingly and instead of high-fiving he slips his fingers through Iwaizumi’s and squeezes his hand. “If you insist, Iwa-chan.” He sees Iwaizumi mouth twitch upwards.

“I didn’t run 5 laps around the gym to watch you both flirt with each other,” Daichi yells from across the court. 

Kuroo wipes the sweat off his forehead while nodding. “I’d honestly rather skin myself alive than have to see any more of _that_ ,” he remarks. “I mean Oikawa, well we knew he’d be PDA, but Iwaizumi too? Holy shit, I would’ve bet my life against that.” 

“I think it was probably the excessive amount of time spent with Oikawa,” Daichi agrees. 

“Sort of like a disease then?” Kuroo says with a grin. 

“Exactly like one,” Daichi says while laughing.

Oikawa glares at both of them. “I am _so_ not taking shit from someone who looks like he’s never been acquainted with a hairbrush before,” he points at Kuroo. “And someone who is the epitome of PDA,” he says accusatorially towards Daichi. Daichi’s eyes crinkle into a smile as he looks beside him at Sugawara. 

“Guilty as charged,” Daichi says.

The entire court breaks out into groans and Oikawa serves the next ball right into Daichi’s face for that. 

After a couple more hours, the only people left on the court besides Oikawa are Daichi, Suga and Iwaizumi. Daichi and Oikawa had shoved their past aside when they realised in their first year that they were in the same predicament. Suga and Iwaizumi were both classmates which meant that Daichi and Oikawa spent a seemingly large chunk of their time together complaining about the unfairness of it all. 

“Iwaizumi did you read up on that scientific article about optogenetics and the speculations that it can cure Parkinson’s?” Suga asks after serving the volleyball.

Iwaizumi receives the ball and replies, “Yeah, ran through it this morning. Seems interesting, but the field of optogenetics is relatively new so most theories at this point are mainly speculations.”

“Still, we need to discuss it during our tutorial tomorrow and I need you to brief me on it now because-” and he glances at Daichi who smirks back. “- I won’t have time to read it later tonight.” 

Oikawa sets the ball and turns to Suga. “Refreshing-kun, we have a rule remember? We don’t talk about the insane amount of shitty work you both have on this court?” he whines. 

Iwaizumi spikes it hard and straight down the line, evading Daichi’s receive, earning an annoyed grunt from the latter. “Well it’s either he does it now,” and Suga grins mischievously. “Or he can just explain it to me over dinner which could possibly take one, or maybe two hours. And I think you both have plans to spend time together, no?” 

Oikawa takes the ball back in his hands and walks to the back of the court ready to serve. “Fine, but I swear to God Suga, today is the only exception to this rule.” Suga grins at this and Oikawa suddenly pities Daichi because he realises Suga probably gets his way with everything.

Iwaizumi turns around to look at Oikawa with glint in his eyes. “Hey, we can watch that beaver documentary tonight then.” 

“Iwa-chan, why are you obsessed with that beaver documentary?” 

“Because watching a beaver documentary is still better than watching any fucking alien documentary.” 

“How is watching some mammal gnawing through wood better than piecing together alien conspiracies?”

“How is it not? It’s still way better than listening to you cry over the X-files ending again,” Iwaizumi retorts. Suga snorts with laughter at this and Daichi actually goes red from laughing.

Oikawa’s mouth falls open at this. “Iwa-chan I trusted you!” 

He laughs heartily, “Yeah well, your choice not mine.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The four of them walk out of the court together. It’s days like these that make Oikawa feel like he’s going to be okay; with his glove-enclosed hand tightly held in Iwaizumi’s own, listening to his boyfriend talk animatedly about his day.

“So after that living nightmare of a tutorial yesterday, Suga and I are getting ready to walk back but guess what? It starts raining and I’m pretty sure the sky was legitimately crying for us at that point,” says Iwaizumi.

“And then Iwaizumi took a cab ride which took like 30 seconds just so that he wouldn’t get wet,” adds Suga while giggling. 

“Hey, for the record, I was wearing a really nice shirt.” 

“Iwa-chan is so high maintenance,” Oikawa teasingly says.

“Me? High maintenance. That’s rich coming from you,” Iwaizumi snorts.

“How am I high maintenance?” says Oikawa

Iwaizumi gives him a pointed look before continuing in a high-pitched voice slightly akin to Oikawa’s. “Iwa-chan the pasta is soggy, I’m sending it back. If soggy pasta is not a crime, I’m dropping out of law school.” 

Daichi who was silent for most of the walk immediately bursts into a fit of laughter. “Holy crap Iwaizumi,” he manages to choke out before laughing again.

“Oh my god, I do not sound like that and for the record, pasta is supposed to be al dente. That one last week tasted like it’d been cooked since the beginning of time,” says Oikawa while rolling his eyes. 

“Anyways, we’ve got to go. You know, last night of actual physical contact for the next ten years or something,” says Daichi which earns him a light shove from Suga. 

“What, why?” asks Oikawa.

“Elective deadlines are in a month so it’s about to get really ugly from here on,” replies Suga.

‘ _Elective deadlines?’ thinks Oikawa. ‘I’ve never heard of those.’_ His eyebrows scrunch together as he turns to Suga. “Refreshing-kun, could you please explain to someone who is hearing this for the _first_ time?” Oikawa says with a slight edge in his tone.

It’s then that Suga realises he’s stepped on a land-mine. “Well, uh, we-” he looks at Iwaizumi nervously. “We have to decide which electives we’re taking up next semester and the ones Iwaizumi-kun and I are aiming for are pretty competitive with a quota for number of people allowed. So we’ll have to do really well for our exams this term.” 

“Which means: redbull induced all nighters in the library, no volleyball for a month and study groups on weekends,” continues Daichi. “And for you and I, Oikawa, it means that it’s pretty much just the two of us for the next month.” 

Oikawa feels dread pool at the bottom of his stomach. He lets go of Iwaizumi’s hand and brushes a loose strand of hair behind his ear, something he only does when he’s anxious. His heart drops and a pain starts to bubble in his chest. 

_‘The less time we spend together, the more he’s going to get used to being without me.’_

He clenches his fists tightly because that’s all he can do to physically suppress the thoughts of insecurity from occupying his brain. 

He can feel Iwaizumi’s stare on him; seeing right through his tendencies. “Hey Shittykawa, it’s going to be-” Iwaizumi starts.

Oikawa looks up at his boyfriend. “It’s fine!” he says. “I have a ridiculous amount of presentations due this month plus an 8000 word essay on parallel imports to keep me busy.” He smiles but he feels it quiver as he flashes it at the three of them. “Plus we’re playing against Todai in two weeks so all of you know what that means.” He hopes the change in topic gives him some time to harden his façade, but he sees Iwaizumi’s eyes narrow at this. 

“Hey, take it easy okay. I really don’t give a fuck about who wins but if you get another knee injury from overworking I’ll really kill Ushijima,” says Iwaizumi sharply. He looks into Oikawa’s eyes as though he’s searching for the reason why Oikawa’s not letting him in. 

Oikawa doesn’t let him stare for long and looks away. He can’t have Iwaizumi worrying about him; he can’t have anyone worrying about him. “I’m going to head back now. I’ll see you guys when I see you,” he says while waving at Suga and Daichi. The two of them wave back, looking at him with equal expressions of worry. 

“Catch you guys some other time,” agrees Iwaizumi before jogging lightly to catch up with Oikawa. They walk in silence, hands bumping against each other but Oikawa doesn’t reach for Iwaizumi’s hand. He’s too consumed with keeping his thoughts down but they keep popping up. 

_‘If you let him know how much you want him to be around, he’ll think you’re clingy and he’ll leave.’_

He winces at the thought of Hajime Iwaizumi walking out of his life and his breath hitches in his throat. He feels his heart race and he rubs his chest to rid himself of the feeling.

Iwaizumi notices this, grabs his hand and rubs his thumb along Oikawa’s knuckles. “Look Tōru, something’s up with you and you’re not telling me. That’s not okay and I need to know,” he pries gently.

“There’s a difference between _needing_ to know and _wanting_ to know, Hajime,” Oikawa responds and the silence that follows is painfully hollow. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING ;_; 
> 
> more on why oikawa feels the way he does next chapter!! 
> 
> sidenote: i had to study an 8 page report on optogenetics a couple months ago (truly torturous) also can we just talk about scully in the new x-files reboot?? and here's the damn beaver documentary i've been obsessed with: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLyBZ1mdg2c


	2. Tomorrow's just a song away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all thank you so much for all the comments (i really love replying) and kudos!! c: this whole story started at 2 am months ago and it’s actually turned into something i’m proud of and this is all thanks to you! 
> 
> aaaand i'm sorry for this really short update but i felt so bad being caught up with life (as in falling into bts hell) that i couldn't update so i decided to drop this snippet as thank you for waiting ;a;

The bed shifting is what prompts Oikawa to wake up. That and the fact that his legs are rudely exposed to the chill of the outside air. His teeth unwillingly chatter.

“Shit- sorry Kawa, sorry,” says Iwaizumi. Oikawa only burrows himself further into the sheets in response. He feels Iwaizumi leave a peck on his cheek before further cocooning himself into an blanket burrito. He hears Iwaizumi let out a breathy laugh at this.

“You’re impossible in the morning,” says Iwaizumi but Oikawa can hear the smile in his voice.

Oikawa pulls the sheets down to his nose and tries his hardest to glare at his boyfriend. The attempt blatantly fails when Oikawa’s eyes focus on the man in question. Iwaizumi is dressed in nothing but striped boxers. His tousled hair sticks out and a goofy grin, reserved only for Oikawa, is plastered on his face. Oikawa plops back onto his pillow and groans loudly this time at the unfairness of his perfect boyfriend.

“You call this the morning?” he complains, gesturing at the clock by their bedside. “It’s 5 am Hajime. There is no sign of life out there. Unless that was actually your aim in which case, congratulations, you’ve fucking woken up before the birds.” 

He feels Iwaizumi crawl on top of him. “Well someone’s exceptionally _chirpy_ this morning,” Iwaizumi whispers into his ear. 

Oikawa flips them over so he’s sprawled across his boyfriend’s lean body. “Stop,” he mumbles into Iwaizumi’s chest. His protest is half-hearted at best as he feels his lips quirk up at the subtle joke. They lie like that for a while; Oikawa on top of Iwaizumi while the latter rubs circles into Oikawa’s back.

“I have to leave now,” says Iwaizumi quietly.

“What time will you be back?” mumbles Oikawa. Iwaizumi’s hand stills at this. 

Oikawa’s body reacts immediately. He feels every hair on his body stand on edge in tension. He feels something in him coil and he closes his eyes at the sensation as though he knows the response already.

“I’ll be back late Tōru,” sighs Iwaizumi. “I promised Sugawara that I’d spend tonight with him in the library, going through theories till we’ve got them solid.” 

Oikawa closes his eyes harder and buries his face into Iwaizumi’s chest to get rid of the feeling of uneasiness. 

“Hey,” chides Iwaizumi. 

Oikawa rolls over on his side and tucks himself back into the now cold sheets. “You should get going soon then,” he says, trying to muffle the sadness in his voice with the blanket. 

“Tōru?” pries Iwaizumi. “Tōru, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Have a good day Iwa-chan,” he says. He doesn’t turn to look at his boyfriend.

The silence hangs thick in the air before he hears Iwaizumi say quietly, “It’s like you don’t trust me anymore.” Oikawa feels the lump in his throat forming as his stomach pools with dread. 

‘ _I trust you. I just don’t trust myself,”_ he thinks miserably.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second time Oikawa wakes up, it _is_ because of the damn birds. He cracks opens his eyes and winces from the reminder of what happened earlier that morning. Easing himself out of bed, his lips tremble from remembering what Iwaizumi said.

‘ _It’s like you don’t trust me anymore.’_ The words dance all around in his mind evading all his fervent attempts at suppressing them. The cascade of thoughts that follow scare Oikawa. They scare him because they’re vicious; they tear apart at his very being and unearth his deepest fears of losing Iwaizumi, of never being good enough for Iwaizumi. They scare him because they come _from_ him. Oikawa’s mind is a prison built for one and he’s sure he has a life sentence.

He curls his fists into his sheets and summons all his energy to get out of bed, swallowing the destructive thoughts along with the lump that formed in his throat. He usually gives himself 5 minutes in the morning to break and after the 5 minutes are up, he slides on his façade, no questions asked. This morning was no different. 

He reaches for his phone while switching the kettle on.

_Two messages from Kuroo._

 

From: Grease

Time: 9.17

sup ok so we have practice everyday starting today bc were playin ur bitchboy waka next week

see u bro :-) 

 

_From Grease_

_Time: 9.18_

_;-) *_

Oikawa chuckles out loud at Kuroo’s last message (because, really, only Kuroo would do that) and pours himself a much needed cup of tea. Contrary to popular belief, Oikawa is not a coffee person. As he once told Iwaizumi, a serial coffee drinker, “it tastes like regret and gives me the shits.” But tea, oh _tea. Te_ a was his drug of choice. 

Foreshadowing an oncoming headache, he grabs a ginger-mix teabag and pours the hot water into his flask, which is adorned with cute pictures of pugs. The aroma of turmeric and ginger punch his system giving him a much needed reality check. 

He types a swift confirmation reply to Kuroo before he opens his chat with Daichi. His fingers stall over the keyboard as he contemplates asking Daichi to be with him during lunch. 

‘ _He’ll think you’re needy. He doesn’t want you around, he just hangs out with you out of convenience-‘_ the thoughts go off in his head with no end in sight. To quell the onslaught he decides to slip Daichi a quick text anyways. 

 

To: Quads

Time: 9.20

Beers on me tonight? 

 

He’s just about done tying the laces on his sneakers when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket.

 

From: Quads

Time: 9.21

Would love to but I’m taking Suga out tonight. Raincheck? 

The phone trembles in his hand and his fingers shake as he types out an ‘okay’. _Hadn’t Iwa-chan said he’d be with Suga tonight?_ Oikawa stares at the text from Daichi, unable to hear anything except his heart pounding erratically at the aching realisation that Iwaizumi lied to him. He notices the time on the phone: 9.22 am. 

With his 5 minutes over, Oikawa grabs his bag and heads out to his first lecture of the day; flask in hand and façade in place.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright, so next week I expect a 3000 word paper on the pros and cons of the PDPA. Fill it with case studies, try and impress me with your articulation but don’t and I repeat _don’t_ plagiarise. Understood?” 

“Yes, Professor Hitoka.” replies the class in unison. 

“Great. Now get out,” says the middle-aged woman with a playful smile on her face. Oikawa stuffs his notebooks into his bag and throws in his pens after. He loves many things about his intellectual property lecture; namely his snarky professor with wit sharper than Daichi's jawline. But with a great professor comes a shit ton of students signing up, and as he stares at the crowd of people trying to exit the lecture hall he wonders if he'll ever get to leave. 

It’s 12pm when Oikawa gets out of his intellectual property lecture and he’s downright starving. As he cuts across one of the gardens in the university to get to the restaurant district he hears snickering behind him. Turning around he sees that there’s no one in plain sight. The snickering stops but it is replaced by a giggle which Oikawa, unfortunately, recognises. 

“Kou-chan, I swear if you don’t show yours-“ he begins but he’s cut off by a hearty full-bodied laugh. The culprit emerges from behind a tree with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“You should have seen your face when you turned around,” Bokuto howls, slapping his knee while laughing. 

Oikawa grits his teeth and resumes walking his route with a quicker pace. He hears sloppy footsteps behind him and scowls. Turning around he shoots a pointed look at Bokuto. 

“What do you want, Kou-chan?” he asks, voice dripping with impatience. 

“Woah woah woah, I need permission to have lunch with my bro?” Bokuto replies. “My bro of all bros, the ibu _bro_ fen to my _bro_ methazine. M _y_ one and only-“ 

Oikawa glowers at him as if daring him to continue and Bokuto slaps a hand to his mouth to stop talking, which would be comical if Oikawa weren’t in such a foul mood. Oikawa pastes a sickly sweet smile on his face and replies, “Fine, but we’re going to that new smoothie bowl place.” 

Bokuto’s entire being droops as he hears this. He laughs internally when he hears the groan emerge from Bokuto. “I need meat, Oikawa. _Meat.”_ Oikawa opens his mouth at this. _“_ And don’t you even try and tell me that spinach can give me as much iron as beef can because, I swear, this is one of those times when science lies.” Oikawa closes his mouth but can’t help the slight upward tilt of his lips as he listens to Bokuto’s uninhibited rant.

They set off towards the place Oikawa wanted to try despite Bokuto’s threats to “run into the street and let a car run over me if I have to eat frozen bananas for lunch.” 

The nature of Bokuto manages to wipe all the worries plaguing Oikawa’s mind from the morning. Bokuto is animated and has a larger than life personality; constantly waving his large hands about as he tries to retell some stories from a couple of days ago. It’s a much needed distraction and Oikawa finds himself relaxing into the comforting presence that is his silver-haired friend. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the mere matter of 10 minutes, Bokuto’s called Kuroo and Kenma to join them for lunch. 15 minutes after that, Bokuto knocks over his pittaya bowl with one of his extravagant hand gestures and the whole situation has Oikawa in fits of laughter, gasping for air in between giggles. Even Kenma cracks a rare toothy smile at this. 

“I swear, only you Bo. Only you,” Kuroo manages to spit out before erupting into laughter again. 

“I didn’t even finish telling you guys what Akaashi said that day,” Bokuto says with a pout while he wipes their table clean of the pink mess. 

Oikawa turns to the window to collect himself but the sight he sees is enough to sober him up for life. It’s Iwaizumi. He’s standing across the road outside of the campus café with two cups in his hand. His heart pounds as he looks at his boyfriend from the small window across the road. 

“Kawa, what are you looking a- Oh,” Kuroo finishes lamely. Oikawa turns to look at Kuroo. He sees Kuroo nudge Bokuto roughly with an elbow before heatedly whispering, “Which part of _don’t_ bring him near the café do you not understand?” Bokuto himself looks guilty, staring at the table in front of him. 

Oikawa frowns at this. “What do you mean by that?” he says; barely registering that the cold as steel voice is his. The silence from his friends that follows only further riles him up. He stares Kuroo and Bokuto down from across the table; the two in question seemingly looking everywhere else so as to not meet his gaze. 

He turns to look out of the window and if Oikawa thought that his heart couldn’t drop any fucking further it somehow does. He sees Iwaizumi passing a cup to another guy as they walk away together. 

Oikawa’s legs move on their own, and before he knows it he’s shoving past Kenma and ramming the restaurant door open with so much force that he hears it rattle behind him. He stares across the road at the sight of his boyfriend walking away, back turned to him. He feels the familiar dull ache in his chest and he clutches at it in an attempt for it to go away. But it doesn’t. So he rubs harder at his chest; stands there at the traffic light, trying to remember how to breathe when he’s looking right at the sight that took his breath away. 

He feels a hand on his shoulder trying to steady him and it’s then that he realises his body has been wrecked with tremors. He barely registers it but he hears the soft lull of Kenma’s voice behind him. "It's not what you think," the boy says. Kenma speaks softly but with so much clarity that the phrase rings in Oikawa's ears and he shoves the hand off his shoulder. 

_ 'You can't let them worry about you. Look at how worried they are, you did this. You caused this.'  _ The thoughts come in waves, endlessly plaguing the shore of his sanity. Oikawa reels at the thoughts pulsing through his mind but he bites his lip to ground himself. 

He walks in the opposite direction, head sinking lower as he hears his friends call after him. He steels his face into a rehearsed smile, his lips trembling as he turns around and says, “I’ve got a paper to write, I’ll see you guys at practice.” 

His heart sinks again as he sees the look of concern on his friends’ faces, the unsaid apologies lingering on all of their lips. He tears his eyes away from the sight and turns around, trudging back the way that he came. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops cliffhanger, well there's nothing like gut-wrenching angst to get the week going, right? 
> 
> i'm convinced you need a good burn for it to end well. and as for the next chapter, we finally find out why oikawa has such a deep imprint of feeling unwanted *finger guns* 
> 
> as usual i'm @jxmxns on twt if you want to yell about the volleybaes or bts


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